The more I learn about God and faith (and even just the world in general), the more I wish I had a pause button.
The smaller I feel and the bigger He becomes. The more I’m able to see the wretchedness of my sin and the more I’m able to see my need for grace upon grace.
The more questions I have and the stronger my desire is to wrestle with doubts and inconsistencies in the world and in my life.
So why do I want a pause button? Because I wish I could spend countless hours just hanging out with God (ha! but unfortunately, I have to eventually start my day). I find myself wishing I had more time to simply sit, read and be still before Him. But maybe this is just part of growing up? …part of having to make some sense of the world around us?
I used to be such a busy body, trying to do everything and be everywhere. I wanted to do it all – and hardly ever did I let myself sit, reflect, and think about things. Because, I was just SO BUSY! 😂🙈 (#lies) instead, I just DID things and justified them along the way – or something like that. And then got distracted by the next big thing or event, rather than truly holding myself accountable for my actions and experiences. And another thing I didn’t do was ask myself the hard questions and wrestle with my doubts – because you know, I didn’t have time for that kind of stuff.
Maybe it’s because I’m getting older or something, but my life is much simpler these days. I don’t feel the need to fill my days with busyness. And being still doesn’t bother me as much. In fact, I look forward to my quiet time and feel off-balanced when I don’t have it. It keeps me sane and in the right mindset, so to say.
My life is slower and I give myself a lot more grace when it comes to doing #AllTheThings. I think this ability to slow down and tell myself ‘hey, it’s okay BK’ when I don’t get it all done has got to be a manifestation of the peace I’ve found in the Lord (by his grace, of course!). I just don’t feel like I need to do it all anymore. I don’t know how else to explain it but it’s liberating.
The thing is, though, that it takes a sort of letting go and slowing down that might scare the crap out of your type-A mentality in order to enjoy it (the Lords peace, that is). But I’m confident this scary-letting-go-ness I’m talking about is worth it because it makes me feel safe (in a fallen, scary, unpredictable world) in a way that no business, no bank account, no husband, no philosophy or family etc ever could.
I love this quote by Tim Keller:
A faith without some doubts is like a human body with no antobodies in it. People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask the hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing questions of a smart skeptic. A person’s faith can collapse almost overnight if she failed over the years to listen patiently to her own doubts, which should only be discarded after long reflection.”
– Timothy Keller
So I’m curious, do you feel this way? do you feel compelled to ask the hard questions as you learn more and continue to grow in faith? Do you wrestle with doubts and are you easily swayed from one opinion or way of thought to another? Or are you grounded in His promises (slash do you know what they are?)
Knowing his promises and the closed-fist truths (the non-disputable ones) are one thing I’m really focusing on right now. Sure, there are things like predestination and infant baptism that people will always argue over, but there are also things (concrete truths) that we can clench onto as Christians and not waver in. These are the truths I think we all need to consider and figure out WHY we believe them by way of examining and questioning them.